How long, how long will I slide?

 Being genuinely happy. Kendrick left on Sunday and it's now Wednesday, and although I miss him, it's not as bad as I thought. Of course, it's only been 4 days but still. 

Every day since he left, I've been ellipticalling for an hour and 15 minutes and cutting down portion size - but not to a starving amount. I don't know man, it's different this time. I'm not doing this for the number on the scale or even necessarily to lose weight at all. It's more about how accomplished I feel after I finish the entire workout even though I was tired. It's about knowing I'm not sitting on my ass 24 hours a day (still like 23, but it's better than nothing right ;) ). I don't know, it just feels different. Good. I feel good. 

And yesterday, Target called for a job interview which is tomorrow! 

ANNND I got my period today which means I am not pregnant! (That sounds slutty but I was un poco worried just because I always worry.)

Anyways, I'm just really happy right now :) I really like being really happy. :))))))))))))))

 So, uh, sorry for the awkward sexual posts...

 *RIGHT after it is verified that Ryan, Cully, and I are gonna smoke*
Kendrick: I'll call you later. I need to hear you.

Oh, gooood. I have never been just high, so I don't know what I'll be like. Maybe I'll be able to act normal. Probably not though. And Kendrick will get mad and we'll get in a fight and AWESOME. Maybe I won't answer. That's the simple solution.

Me: Damn, I don't know if I can make it through this night. I might need some drugs.
Cousin: What kind of drugs?
Me: I don't know, what do you got?
Cousin: Well I don't have anything but I could get you something. How old are you now?
Me: Sixteen.
Cousin: Yeah, you're old enough to do drugs. I haven't been smoking lately, but I can make an exception.
*end of conversation*

Fuck yeah, I need to get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh
• iwanttogethigh

One week without Kendrick or Yogi. I don't know how I plan to survive. 

• in a movie theater
• in a random field
• on top of a culvert
• on old train tracks
• on a balcony
• in his sister's bed
• on a school window sill
• on a bench at a teeball field
• in the middle of an elementary school parking lot
• on a river bank
• in the school basement
• on attic stairs
• in the luggage department of sears
• the backseat of my car

 In case you hadn't noticed. But then it got awesome. Kelly got her license and came and picked me up and took me to the beach. It was perfect. We just cruised around, got lost a bit. We stopped at the beach and just took it all in. It was so serene, exactly how I thought it would be. It was EXACTLY what I needed SO bad for the past forever. It's days like these that I live for. It was honestly the best day I've had in so so so so so so so long. After the beach, we went to dinner at The Hotel. I felt like such an adult and it was just amazing. I needed this day. I just did, so hard.

How can they look at me and not see how hopeless I am? How can they see my cuts and not realize that they are the byproducts of my self-hate, my wanting to die? How can they hear me say "I wish I was dead" or "I can't stand living" and not hear the truth in those statements? I am practically screaming "I AM FUCKING SICK OF LIFE, SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE. DEAR FUCKING LORD. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE." and nobody is listening. Nobody cares.

Last night during the play, Kendrick and I left, sat on the windowsill at the school. You can slide open the windows, enough that you could jump out if you wanted to. And I wanted to. I can't explain it. All of a sudden I got this urge to jump. It wasn't high enough to do real damage though. Usually that feeling goes away overnight and it hasn't. I want to jump. I'm done with life. I can't take another day of this monotony. I just need to go to the beach. I need to have a day of nothing, where I go wherever I want with someone I want to be with an nobody else. But I can't because everyone's too busy or can't drive or some other excuse. They don't understand that I need this. I don't know how much longer I can take my life. I'm scared of these thoughts. I hate this. I feel hopeless, empty. I can count 6 million reasons to stay alive, but I feel no motivation. I can't do it anymore. I really just can't.